Today

Today 21st of October. I have to record this for I want to remember this day someone took away something from me and the feeling i'm feeling. It should have been the most exciting and happiest day of my life as i'm waiting for the arrival of my baby. My little miracle of life. Sitting here alone, thinking and rewinding all the past events like a cloud changing it shapes, waves crushes through the ocean. One thing i'm sure of is i never owe you anything... You want to act like you are right in all your decision, i have nothing to say for I have not much money as you but always remember life is full of test, whether it be tomorrow, next week, next month, next year or next life. Always remember this, today it is me but for the unknown future i may not know when is your turn. Kindness always takes over my feeling and action. For this i have to admit is my weakness that people take advantage. I may be quiet but that doesn't mean i have no feeling for remaining silent is the most powerful defence. It takes 10 times the effort than to show your anger.
For this past few months, i have learned what is the meaning of real happiness. Getting married, getting pregnant and feeling my baby each time and visits to the hospital makes me worried and happy sometimes. I have learned that money does not buy happiness as this few months have been a test for me and my new growing family. For some people, money may mean the world to you. As to have money is not to let other people look down on you as you don't have anything in your life worth sharing and giving. With money, you thought you can earn people respect and talk louder than people but i can tell you one thing, one thing that nobody can take away from you even you don't have a single cents with you is dignity. For those people who earn money through the wrong ways, always remember your money cannot be wash clean no matter what. Your money if compare to the person that sweeps the road, their money is worth a million times because that is earn by blood and sweat under the sun not earn through the darkness where light cannot be shine.
I may be abit angry and mad now as i keep asking the same question over and over. I'm mad at so many things and not rational in action but what can i do. I have been holding on to faith and pray for so many times for better days but what happen if i did not give up one bit but rather is shut down by others who does not even think twice in giving chances as money is the answer to the problem. Money a piece of paper which have no value when you are sick in your dying bed is the most important things in others life even though they do not need that few hundred to survive. I have not met anybody so greedy in money as all of you and yet have the face to show that you all care about us and even have the face to show kindness in giving away all your unwanted things. I will remember this event of my life be it ends in a good or bad ways, that relations does not exist in this world if money is involved. This is a lesson that all human must learned but deep inside my heart i know kindness still exists but do we trust others once you been test over and over.
My husband, today i saw you gave up without a fight. I don't know what you've been thinking or in your mind. I'm mad and i choose to remained silent as i have no energy to fight and talk. I just don't understand how come 1 person words can have so much effect on you. Be it you scared, no idea or you chose to remained not to fight... Always remember the person that hurt you and force you to take your next road after this is taking advantage of you. Please don't let this happen as you have said to me few days ago "my life is not let others to look down". That 1 person words doesn't mean a thing because your life is much worth than them. You earn money using your own hands not by talking. Don't let others control you using they mind and word. Not ask us to stand and we stand, sit and we sit. Remember all our times before going to Singapore, in Singapore and coming back to Labuan. We passed all this obstacles and test and for this i know is the greatest test for us now. Looking back on our lives, we may be lucky, even met few good people and may even call it a miracle. I doesn't dare to think about the future even when you talk about future i still smile and answer but deep down i'm scared that we may not be able to go through this challenge. I sometimes wonders does other people around our age faces so many challenges in life. I may question myself and the answer i have already know is no, nobody have any problems as much as us and i thought it was funny how come challenges always falls on us. Will it make us stronger later in life? And so many why? why? why? in my head.